In flux
the latent volatility within is resurfacing intermittenly. flashes. subsides. flashes again. redder. more fiery. more frequently, insistently:
a sense that i am ready to move back into my old blog, soon. a few months ago, the weight of my past seemed to crush me, and, as always, i took flight. i started anew. threw off all the pages of my past that defined who i was, pyschologically limiting me within the parameters of what had already been written. started afresh. something i needed at that time. a hiatus from myself. an increasing sense that this blog is not all of who i am. theprocess renewed self-discovery and reinvention has matured and i will soon be ready to meld old and new.
restlessness has gripped me again. stronger than before. a previous general feeling that it would be nice to move on has crystallised into a definite realisation that i will Have to leave London sooner rather than later. will keep my eye out for the first opportunity to leave this city that has opened more doorways, fed me more dreams, and given me more hunger, than i had expected when i made the journey to London in 2001, resting my head in sleep on the shoulders of the boy i had already broken up with, with a bleeding heart, holes in my pocket, a bag full of dreams, and a determination to not look back.
by the time i get the opportunity to leave London in two, or maybe three years' time, i would have been here six or seven years. and that is about as long as i can stay in one place. London is getting too small for me. i'm thinking NYC or SF or LA. had this plan to move in with my friend in SF, if he is still living there and not yet married by then. which of course was all in my head, and which i didn't tell him about. still, hopefully, now that he knows, he won't object. :) if it comes to that at all.
the other day, i suddenly felt like i needed to be alone. i wanted to be a hermit. to not see anyone. the inherently anti-social side of me appeared with a vengeance. if my neighbour who has a place all to himself were in London, i would have gone to him and asked him to please please please swap places with me for a few days - for him to move to move into my house just temporarily, so i can seclude myself in his house until i felt ready to be social again. i needed very badly to be alone, completely shut off from society, and my regular surroundings.
that same day, i suddenly realised that Binh's birthday had passed a few months before, and it had completely slipped my mind until that very moment. it was a strange feeling, like, wow... i forgot. yet strangely, i dreamed of him just last night. unusually, it wasn't filled with pain. it was comfortable, like my favourite teddy bear or a pair of old sneakers. it was reaching over and asking him a math question, and knowing he was there, without having to turn to look.
a sense that i am ready to move back into my old blog, soon. a few months ago, the weight of my past seemed to crush me, and, as always, i took flight. i started anew. threw off all the pages of my past that defined who i was, pyschologically limiting me within the parameters of what had already been written. started afresh. something i needed at that time. a hiatus from myself. an increasing sense that this blog is not all of who i am. theprocess renewed self-discovery and reinvention has matured and i will soon be ready to meld old and new.
restlessness has gripped me again. stronger than before. a previous general feeling that it would be nice to move on has crystallised into a definite realisation that i will Have to leave London sooner rather than later. will keep my eye out for the first opportunity to leave this city that has opened more doorways, fed me more dreams, and given me more hunger, than i had expected when i made the journey to London in 2001, resting my head in sleep on the shoulders of the boy i had already broken up with, with a bleeding heart, holes in my pocket, a bag full of dreams, and a determination to not look back.
by the time i get the opportunity to leave London in two, or maybe three years' time, i would have been here six or seven years. and that is about as long as i can stay in one place. London is getting too small for me. i'm thinking NYC or SF or LA. had this plan to move in with my friend in SF, if he is still living there and not yet married by then. which of course was all in my head, and which i didn't tell him about. still, hopefully, now that he knows, he won't object. :) if it comes to that at all.
the other day, i suddenly felt like i needed to be alone. i wanted to be a hermit. to not see anyone. the inherently anti-social side of me appeared with a vengeance. if my neighbour who has a place all to himself were in London, i would have gone to him and asked him to please please please swap places with me for a few days - for him to move to move into my house just temporarily, so i can seclude myself in his house until i felt ready to be social again. i needed very badly to be alone, completely shut off from society, and my regular surroundings.
that same day, i suddenly realised that Binh's birthday had passed a few months before, and it had completely slipped my mind until that very moment. it was a strange feeling, like, wow... i forgot. yet strangely, i dreamed of him just last night. unusually, it wasn't filled with pain. it was comfortable, like my favourite teddy bear or a pair of old sneakers. it was reaching over and asking him a math question, and knowing he was there, without having to turn to look.
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